This summer has been tough. Treatment just hasn’t been working and I’ve been so tired. I hit a really low point in July and really almost couldn’t fully “function.” After one particular stressful week I found myself at one of my routine appointments and the nurse noticed that I seemed off and allowed me some time to talk. I realized in those moments that I was actually really grieving again the loss of my miraculous pregnancy last year about this same time.
I thought I had “moved on” somewhat and that maybe it had been some sort of dream. I’ve grown a lot in the past year, however I am learning; It doesn’t get easier. It’s hard not to feel angry. I want to blame someone, something in those raw moments where you wrestle with your emotions and imbalances. Once I let the tears just come, and took some time to work through those tough days I gradually felt more whole again. God put me on dear friend’s hearts and I have been prayed for, and loved on. I’m grateful.
There is often no detailed or specific way to pray when you go through these kinds of trials. I find myself many times with a simple but strong,”God help me!” And I KNOW He hears it all. Nothing is hidden from His sight, He clothes every flower in the field, and His eyes see even the tiniest sparrow fall. I’m grateful.
I heard this song recently on the radio by Steven Curtis Chapman and it really touched me. I hope this can encourage many of you out there who are grieving the loss of a child, even the one’s they have yet to meet.