With hope.

This summer has been tough.  Treatment just hasn’t been working and I’ve been so tired.  I hit a really low point in July and really almost couldn’t fully “function.”  After one particular stressful week I found myself at one of my routine appointments and the nurse noticed that I seemed off and allowed me some time to talk.  I realized in those moments that I was actually really grieving again the loss of my miraculous pregnancy last year about this same time.

I thought I had “moved on” somewhat and that maybe it had been some sort of dream.  I’ve grown a lot in the past year, however I am learning; It doesn’t get easier.  It’s hard not to feel angry.  I want to blame someone, something in those raw moments where you wrestle with your emotions and imbalances.  Once I let the tears just come, and took some time to work through those tough days I gradually felt more whole again.  God put me on dear friend’s hearts and I have been prayed for, and loved on.  I’m grateful.

There is often no detailed or specific way to pray when you go through these kinds of trials.  I find myself many times with a simple but strong,”God help me!”  And I KNOW He hears it all.  Nothing is hidden from His sight, He clothes every flower in the field, and His eyes see even the tiniest sparrow fall.  I’m grateful.

I heard this song recently on the radio by Steven Curtis Chapman and it really touched me.  I hope this can encourage many of you out there who are grieving the loss of a child, even the one’s they have yet to meet.


6 thoughts on “With hope.

  1. annabachinsky

    Such a beautiful and encouraging post. You are so right, sometimes there is no right way to pray. You just need to tell God exactly what’s in your heart and know that He always answers those cries in His timing and way. May you continue growing stronger and having hope in Him every day!

  2. teachmetobraid

    I am just so, so sorry about your tough summer. It certainly sounds like you’ve been through the ringer. Continuing to think of you often as you weather all of this. Your strength is a true testimony of God’s grace and faithfulness.

  3. Ally

    I just stumbled on your site through Pinterest. But I just wanted to leave a note about infertility. I have no clue what your medical background is or whether or not this is appropriate but I feel like I need to tell you. I also struggled with infertility. Lost a baby and couldn’t for the life of me figure out why this was happening. No one in my family has ever had fertility issues – quit the rather actually. But I felt like God was trying to tell me the answer and I kept keeping it back. My family has some thyroid issues and I have struggled with fatigue and foggy brain issues for almost my whole like. Reading was an Olympic sport for me because I couldn’t for the life of me tell you what the paragraph I just read said – my mind was “numb”. So I pushed and pushed my doctor to test my thyroid levels. I have bounced around the normal range but always a little on the high side of normal 3-4. I said I wanted to have further testing done to see if my thyroid antibodies were off because that is how both my sisters found out they were battling thyroid issues. Very reluctantly they did the tests and sure enough they were just slightly off but enough that endocrinology wanted to see me. That doctor told me that a thyroid level of anything about 2 would be detrimental to a pregnancy and miscarriage would occur. Plain and simple it was just too high to carry a baby even if it was normal range. And a person my age 30 should not have a level that high anyways. He placed me on a “token” dose of synthroid to see if I could get pregnant. I bottomed out and then went up and down and up and down as they adjusted my doses every six weeks. It took me another year to get the level in the perfect range of about 1-1.5. The very next month after hearing I was in this “perfect range” I was pregnant and 9 months later I had my little boy. I am so glad that God kept speaking to me to persist the issue that I knew was the reason behind me losing and not being able to get pregnant when we had ZERO issues the first time we were pregnant and had our daughter 4 years previous. I am still on synthroid and on an even higher dose now to keep me below 3 (5 is the normal). If my level gets anywhere near 3 I am TIRED, BRAIN FOGGED, and DEPRESSED/ANXIOUS. I increase my dose and within days am a new person. I don’t know if this will help or now – I just wanted to leave an idea.

    1. jbjokne Post author

      Thanks Ally, I’m glad you found my blog. Thanks for sharing your story-I appreciate it. I have had my thyroid checked and it was in normal levels so I don’t think that is my issue…still wondering what my “issue” is of course but hopefully one day the answer will come. 🙂


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