April 9th, 2013. This was to be my due date. It’s tough seeing others continually make announcements and even holding brand new babies this week as I reflect back on a short and surreal time that was my reality, and my worst nightmare.
I remember screaming, crying, and begging God to let me keep the small life inside of me. I selfishly wanted everything to just BE right in my world, and really thought that after all that we had gone through, and how long we had been trying to have a child that God would just be ready to bless us.
I was angry, hurt, and frustrated. In those dark moments…life seemed quite bleak. And it was. In reality I was never alone-and was constantly reminded that God was indeed still very much involved in the painful process of healing my heart by sending others who had been through this kind of pain to share their stories with me and to pray for me.
The next few months were a blur and a time to go through the motions as I learned to live again in a new reality. More pain followed as our church lost a dear Pastor and friend to cancer-but Heaven rejoiced as he was finally HOME. Another dear friend loses her baby and it was hard to breathe through all the hurt. Why? Why would you let these things happen to your children, God?
I don’t have all the answers, and wonder if I ever will on this earth. What I DO know is that for some reason God has chosen to bring us to this place. I can honestly say now, looking back that He was doing good in my life and that I have been changed through these difficult situations. I would rather be who I am now, than than the person I was before the miscarriage because I see life in a different way.
I love this quote because it fits into how I feel so very well. I am committed to Christ and what He has in store for me, no matter what. I know I will continue to press on and say “yes” to the path He has laid out because that is real living and that is truly what I want.
“We discovered through our loss that God is very much interested in our process — not just end results. When things don’t end the way we think they should, will we trust Him? Will we still say yes? Will we continue on His path, trusting that He knows best? Oh boy, I am not saying I have this down, because I totally don’t, but I am slowly learning to just keep saying yes. His ways truly are higher than ours (Isaiah 55:9).” ~ Kim Johnson